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The works of Swiss Toni
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* Being in a car crash - Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. Pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
* Washing a car - Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
* Laying a carpet - Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous, like me, you might like to try an underlay.
* Putting up a tent - Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to the old bag.
* Going fishing - Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
* Being in therapy - And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
* Making coffee - Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
* Checking a second hand car - Checking the details of a second-hand car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give her a good spraying?
* Hanging wallpaper - Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
* Buying jewellery - Buying jewellery for a beautiful woman is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you check the size of her ring to make sure it will fit. Then you end up giving her a pearl necklace.
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1 Comment
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206 days ago
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FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK
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FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7
billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a
punishing 30 hour week.
Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and
still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an
hour and a half for lunch.
One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a
family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the
latest, if I wasn't on strike.
"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office
at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was,
fast asleep on the photocopier.
"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I
remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."
As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by
covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to
delicate pastry horns.
At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding
them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.
Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was
overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French
were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.
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0 Comments
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215 days ago
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Lol!!!!!11111111oneoneeleven!
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
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0 Comments
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284 days ago
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